My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
