I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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