I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
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