see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
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you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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