I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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