i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
