The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
