My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
