Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
