I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Of course I have a pirate flag
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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