life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
