South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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