he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
