my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
