"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
