I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
