First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
