True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
