Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
