"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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