Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I had to cum in my sink.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
