He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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