she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
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My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
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I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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