Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
