found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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