Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
this just has baby written all over it
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
