I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
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There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
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He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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