There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
