1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
