im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
