Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I believe in your delicious
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
