were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
