If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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