im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
