I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
