It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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