nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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