dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
