Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
