So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
God, you're like boner-b-gone
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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