i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
