Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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