Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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