one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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