Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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