No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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