you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
