just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
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