he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
