Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
