I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
