walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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