She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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