you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
