How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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