just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just want to make out with him forever
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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