I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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