If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I supernannyed him into submission
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
