I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
