so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
